I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, ‘How would you like your eggs?’ So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said ‘Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it’s gonna take awhile. I don’t have time, scrambled!
I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! “Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner.”
